when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
People in love make me want to vomit
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Randomize
