I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
