im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
