I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
