the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
