Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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