woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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