I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
