his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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