I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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