Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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