I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
