New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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