Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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