she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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