Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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