My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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