Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
