Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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