Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
