My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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