Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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