Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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