I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
