woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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