No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
