somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
