I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
