I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
