new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
