just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
