I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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