I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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