The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
