Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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