her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
