I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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