First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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