dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
