then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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