the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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