I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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