im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
