hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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