its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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