He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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