He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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