You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Found your dick twin last night
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
