by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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