went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
